He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
