P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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