I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
