So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
