tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
