And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
