just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
