I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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