the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
