we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize