I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
