actually, I'm a sock model
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
