Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
