OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
