i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
