Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
