It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
PANTIES FOUND
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