His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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