No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
