I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
