So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
