If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
