You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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