Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
