I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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