How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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