I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
