you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
