If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize