i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
