Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
