I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
