So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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