dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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