While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
