before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
