I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
