Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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