On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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