I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
