Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize