I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
