also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
