saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
