Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
