I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
