just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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