Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
