Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
