i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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