Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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