I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
