I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
