I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
