i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
