Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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