When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
