i permit you to call me
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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