Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
