omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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