I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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