I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
