I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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