mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
