My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He shit in the fireplace
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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